Seventeen Years

Just writing those words, seventeen years, feels surreal. How is it even possible? And yet it is.

Seventeen years ago in 2008, my sister-in-law Morgan left this world for the next. I’ve posted about her before, and you can see this post, with links to previous posts.

Some days are easier than others, and some days, it just hurts. It never really gets easier. We just get used to life as it is now. A “new normal.” But life is never the same after such loss.

If you’ve known my family awhile, you’ll likely know that we had a lot of loss in a fairly short time. Even since then, there have been others that have gone. I shared a few photos in the gallery below, but don’t have photos of everyone. Loss is so very much apart of life.

And yet, even in the loss, we rejoice. In my family, we often go back to the phrase “It’s not goodbye, but see you in the morning,” for loved ones when we know they are in a better place. Nights are long though. And sometimes 17 years pass, and we are that much further from the last time we saw someone, and yet that much closer to seeing them again all at the same time.

Seventeen years later, I am not the person I was back then. How could I be? Life has this way of changing us, for better or worse. But memories linger. And the love we all shared will never be forgotten.

I think knowing it wasn’t goodbye, that it wasn’t the end helps. It eases the pain, reminds me that this in-between time is only for a little while. One day, I will join them again.

So much has changed in 17 years! People have gotten married, babies born, houses purchased. We’ve gotten jobs and degrees, changed jobs, dealt with losses and celebrated wins. I survived a major auto accident, Ben’s health has continued to decline, but we readjusted our priorities. I now work from home at a job I love and have started chasing my writing dreams the past few years. I’ve grown as a writer, a teacher, and just in life in general.

But we never forget those who came before us. I see tie dye t-shirts in a store, or a tiny frog hopping on the ground and think of Morgan. I see a field of wheat or an old cemetery and my mind goes to my Grandma Holsinger, and how we used to walk up and down the rows at one cemetery as she told me everything about the families she knew.

I see rain coming down from the sky, or smell coffee in the morning and I think of my Grandpa Holsinger. I see the orange peanut candies, or some older man standing out with a rake in a garden, and I think of my Grandpa Soules. I see a Boston Terrier and my mind goes to my Aunt Ruth from my mom’s side, or hear Psalm 23 and my mind goes to my Aunt Ruth from my dad’s side. Hunting dogs remind me of my Uncle Jim, birdwatching of my cousin Donnie and the kayak trip we never got to take, and when I think of my Uncle Charles, I still hear his voice. There are so many more I could name. I don’t think we’ll ever escape this world without experiencing lost, and sometimes a lot of it.

Days like today hit hard. Morgan was so much a part of our lives, and we miss her every single day, even 17 years later. Yet, we know that 17 years ago, was not goodbye. It was just see you in the morning. We will see Morgan again one day! And oh what a day that will be! And on that day, no matter how many years have gone by here on earth, I think it will truly seem like no time at all. As though we were just apart for oh such a very short time….

Until next time,

Cindy