And yet | Tales From North Country

Challenger Anniversary

This past week was the 37th anniversary of the Challenger explosion. I was a child when the explosion happened, but I still remember it well. The photo I’ve shared was taken at the Air Zoo Museum down near Portage MI. My parents, Ben and I all went on a trip there a few years ago, and I found myself drawn to their exhibit. As a young child, astronaut had been near the top of my career choices. I admired Christa McAuliffe because she was a teacher and an astronaut, two of my top career choices. I remember feeling great sadness the day she died, even though I’d never actually met her.

Time is such a funny thing. In some ways, it still feels like the Challenger explosion happened yesterday, and in other ways, it feels like it happened a lifetime ago. So many big events in life seem to be that way.

Exercise and a Little Sunshine

With winter in full swing, it’s been difficult to get outside to exercise in the way I like to. I’ve been finding our basset hound puppy is great exercise, especially because she loves to play tug-of-war and will play with me as I walk. We have so much fun, and it’s been a great way to get energy out for both of us, me walking the house with her pulling on a toy as I walk. It’s also a really great way to strengthen my muscles. She weighs over 50 lbs and is a very strong dog.

It’s been nice to see a little sunshine too. The clouds have been hanging on, with very little sun this winter. We’ve had a few days where the sun peeked out for a short time. It’s bitter cold outside, but beautiful at the same time.

Take Your Eyes Off The Problem

This week, one of our dogs got the tie-out she was on wrapped around a tree. Our yard is not fenced in, so we either walk the dogs on a leash or let them out on a tie-out if they want out. Our basset hound puppy is learning how not to get tangeled around trees outside, but this week, she found herself wrapped around one with the tie-out.

Around and around she went, trying to make the problem better, but it just made it worse. I tried to help her, but she still kept going the wrong way as she tried to solve the problem herself. Finally, I went inside and brought out a treat. It took her eyes off the problem for a moment. Carefully, I led her round and round the tree, keeping her eyes on the treat as we slowly got her untangled. Once she was free, she ran excitedly back to the house.

After I thought about this situation later, I realized the problem was solved when she took her eyes off it. It reminded me of our own lives. Too often, I focus on a problem. I want to get unstuck from something, so I go round and round until I find myself tangled up even worse than I was to begin with. It’s only when I take my eyes off my problems and focus on where God is leading me that I can get unstuck.

People have often told me they don’t understand how I’ve handled things as well as I have with everything going on. It’s not that I don’t have bad days, I do. It’s that I keep coming back to the One who can truly handle my problems, the One who has the solution. So even on the really tough days, when I’m hurting, or frustrated and just don’t know what to do next, I can lean on the fact that my Father in Heaven knows exactly what to do, even if I can’t see it. It’s trusting in that that is hard. Sometimes it feels like it’s easier to just keep trying on my own, keep going around and around and maybe one of these times I’ll get it right and things will go like they should. But they don’t. It’s not until I take my eyes off the problems and focus on the One who can truly guide me in the right direction that things begin to turn around. It’s easier said than done. On the really bad days, it’s hard to remember that there’s a God in charge of the situation no matter what I’m facing. But when I take my eyes off the problem, I truly am set free.

Physical and Occupational Therapy

This is going to be a longer post this week, so I’ll try to keep this section brief. This week, I continued with Independent Physical Therapy. I’ve up to 75 pounds with parts of the exercises I do, and 40 pounds minimum for most things. This is a long way from the 1 pound limit I had with my wrists after the accident! I continue to work on building strength, especially in my left side.

I was also able to attend a class at Grass River Natural Area. We did a short walk, and learned how to collect seeds from Native plants. It was a great class, and I learned a lot. My left side was sore afterwards, but it was worth it, and very nice to be able to take another class.

Most days I am able to walk close to a mile. My goal is to get up to at least 3-4 miles a day. Right now, pain and weakness stops me from going further but it gets better each week.

Another loss

This week, we lost my Aunt Esther, my mom’s sister. Loss seems to be so very much a part of life. C.S. Lewis in ‘The Four Loves’ says:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
C.S. Lewis ‘The Four Loves’

Between 2003 and 2010, there were at least 11 family and friends that passed away. We also lost my dog Cora and my brothers’ dog Bear within a couple of weeks of each other. Losing a dog may not seem like much of a big deal if you’ve never owned one, but they become family and those who have owned dogs or other pets will likely understand that loss. From 2013-2017, we lost at least 11 more family members and another dog we’d loved for many years. Since 2020, we have had at least six family and friends pass away, my husband and I were in a serious car accident, and we’ve dealt with everything the pandemic has brought about.

I say all of this not because I want people to feel sorry for us. I don’t. In fact, I hesitate to even say anything when someone I know passes away anymore or something bad happens because it feels so surreal, so unbelievable. I need to process all of this, and one of the best ways I can do that is to write it out. I could go back further, where there were more losses as well, but right now, I’m processing the past 18 years or so. So very much has happened. Some positive, but a lot of really hard difficult things too.

My mom comes from a family of 14 kids, the oldest died shortly after birth. Most of her siblings had children and many of them have children so it’s a big family. My dad comes from a smaller family, but the cousins on his side of the family are close, so we have relationships with family we might not have had otherwise. With that comes loving and dying. The more people you know, the more you have a chance of losing someone you love and care about. Death is as much of a part of life as living is. Loss is a part of the world we live in, like it or not.

When you’ve lost as much as I have, when you’ve been through one thing after another, it becomes normal, even if it’s not. Sometimes I feel like I’m just waiting for the next loss to happen, for the next bad thing to take place. I’m not just talking about all the death, I’m talking about the loss of our “normal” lives with the pandemic, the loss of the use of my left side as I “normally” would, and the loss of a year of my life that I will never get back.

And yet. I feel as though two simple words hang in the air despite everything we’ve been through. They give us hope. And yet, we will see many of our loved ones again. And yet, there is hope for the future. And yet, despite everything we’ve been through, all of the loss and pain, there is still so much good in the world. And yet, despite our hearts breaking over and over again, there is joy. And yet, when it seemed as though all the world was ending, Jesus came to save it. And yet.

Death isn’t the end. No matter how much death and loss we experience in our lifetime, no matter how much loss I experience myself, it is not the end. Praise be to God for this! And yet, death does not win. Even in great loss, we have this hope.

Ben and our Pup

Ben continues to deal with his peripheral neuropathy and all the issues it brings with it. His feet have been swollen and painful a lot this month, and it has spread up to his legs and into his hands. He has also had some problems with blood pressure and blood sugar levels in the last month or so, which he hasn’t had before. We are working with his primary doctor and the team at the University of Michigan to try to figure everything out.

We’ve also been dealing with our dog Wesley having an ear infection. He’s had one for well over a year, off and on getting worse. We’ve been to the vet many times, changed his diet, had him tested for allergies, and tried lots of medication, including sending a sample to Michigan State to get a specialty made antibiotic for him, but his ear infection just doesn’t want to give it up.

We are trying several medications at once this time, in the hopes we can knock it out. Otherwise it will be a trip to a specialist for him.

Road Trip

This week, I took a little drive with our two dogs. I needed to clear my head. I needed to process everything that has happened as much as I could. I headed out to Lake Michigan, where the waves were supposed to be somewhat high. We weren’t disappointed. There were people taking pictures and videos, someone windsurfing, and someone collecting rocks. It was chilly, with the wind blowing hard, but a beautiful day. The sound of the waves was so peaceful and relaxing, and I returned from our trip feeling at least a little more clear. Life can be tough. And yet…..

And yet there is still so much to be thankful for. We are dealing with a lot. Some days are really tough. And yet there are days like this, when the world is as it should be….