Four Years. The reality of that hits hard. Today is a tough day, but a good day too. This day always comes with a lot of anxiety. Perhaps one day, the anxiety will no longer come, but for now, it’s always there, especially the closer we get to December 19th.
December 19th, 2020. A day we now call Phoenix Day. A day I’ve been told so many times I shouldn’t have made it through. A day of terror, pain, suffering. A day of peace, joy and care. The day we hit black ice just right and went head on, into the only other car on the road, not far from our house. I talk about that day in A Christmas to Remember. I was also interviewed on a Podcast about the accident and you can list to that here: Broken But Still the Light.
Four years ago, our lives changed forever when Ben and I were in that head on collision. Every year since, I’ve posted about that day, starting with one year later In What Would Life Be Without Adventure. The second year, I posted And with That, the 2022 Season Comes to an End. Then last year, year 3, I posted Three Years Later.
It feels like I just finished the post for year 3 and now here we are at year 4. Perhaps one day, I won’t post on the anniversary of the accident, but right now, we need to stop and remember that day. To reflect on how far I’ve come, and to look at what’s next.
So much has happened. So much has changed, even in four years time. I have, and may always have some effects from the accident. One side of my body is still weaker than the other side, although most people would never notice this at first glance. I have pain frequently when the weather changes, and don’t have the flexibility that I once did, especially on the side where my hip was dislocated and broken so many times.
A few photos from the time in the hospital following the accident…
But I am alive. We reprioritized things in life, and I’ve written more these past four years than I ever dreamed possible. I’ve blogged more, worked on novels yet to be published, and Ben and I have enjoyed more time together. Every moment I wake up, every breath I take, is such a reminder of the gift we’ve been given. Time.
Over the past four years, Ben’s health has continued to decline. As I’ve mentioned before, he’s slowly losing the use of his hands in terms of fully functioning. We don’t know what the future holds, but we know Who holds the future. We trust that God has a plan even with everything that happens with Ben’s health, just as He had a plan four years ago.
On the day of the accident, I had my phone out moments before it happened, taking the photo below. After the accident, my phone went flying. So did Ben’s. Ben also lost his eye glasses, and he needs them to see what’s around him. It was dark, and the air was filled with the dust from the airbags. In that darkness and mess from the airbags and other debris, Ben couldn’t find his phone. But there was my phone, on the dash, right in front of him.
I keep my phone pass coded, and change it up every now and again. Ben knows the pass code, but doesn’t always get the right one because I change it. After the accident, he used the code and got into my phone on the first try, so he was able to call for help right away.
So many things happened that day that just fell perfectly into place, and we have no doubt there was a greater power at hand. I am supposed to be here still. There is a plan and purpose for everything that happens to us, even when we don’t understand it. Why does one person survive and someone else doesn’t? I don’t know. But what I do know is there is a Creator who cares about each one of us, and has a plan that is far greater than anything we could understand.
Four years later, we’ve been given the gift of time. Time together, time for me to write more, blog more, continue teaching, and get back to hobbies I haven’t done in awhile.
We don’t know what the next four years are going to hold. We don’t know how much more Ben’s health will decline, or if the doctors will ever make a diagnosis. We don’t know what life will be like in 4 years, or what might happen in the meantime, but we do know we have a God who cares about us so very much, and knows exactly what’s going to happen. And we trust Him to work all things together for our good, even if it doesn’t make sense at the time.
Sometimes people ask me if I could go back in time, would I change the accident happening? I don’t think so. Don’t get me wrong. Of course, I don’t want to wreck. I don’t want to go through all that pain and suffering, and terror. I don’t want the anxiety that now comes with driving on bad roads, and the nightmares that come occasionally still. Yet, without those things, I also give up the joy the journey has brought, the incredible peace we’ve been given along the way, and the amazing care we’ve been shown by so many. I don’t want to give up the time we’ve been given, the writing I’ve been able to do since then, and the adventures we’ve gone on together. And most of all, I don’t want to give up the bigger plan. The plan that comes from the God I follow, a plan that I don’t always understand, but a plan that extends way beyond my own little world into eternity.
But in the end, isn’t that really what it’s all about? Isn’t that really all that matters? What’s here, what happens now is all so temporary. It’s short. 80, 90, or even 100 years is really nothing. It’s a blink. After all, look how fast four years have flown by. In the end, long after this life is gone, long after the accident fades from my mind and my body no longer feels pain, all that’s going to matter is what is coming next. Eternity. Heaven.
My prayer, my hope is that when one day God calls me home to be with Him and His Son Jesus, I won’t be going there alone. If all of the pain, all of the suffering and terror we felt means others have eternity with the Savior of the world, then it’s worth it. Every moment.
I don’t need to understand why the accident happened four years ago. I know there is a plan that is far greater than anything I could ever imagine, a plan that includes eternity, not just for me but all of those who believe. A plan that was put together with a greater purpose, a purpose that doesn’t just involve me, or my own little world, but all of the world.
If you aren’t familiar with that plan, I encourage you to read the Bible, but don’t just read it, study it. Look at different versions, study the meaning of words you don’t know, and read with others. Get involved with a church and find a church that is the right fit for you. I know there are a lot of deep hurts out there, and people have their reasons for believing what they do, but faith isn’t just believing blindly. There’s so much more that could be said on this topic, but so many of those conversations are better face to face, heart to heart. If you are someone reading this, and you aren’t a believer, or you’ve been hurt before, I encourage you to keep looking, keep searching. God has a plan, even when people mess up, even when black ice gets in the way, and you find yourself thrown yourself thrown into adventure you never expected.
What an adventure these past four years have been! So today, we celebrate, and as we acknowledge the pain and anxiety this day brings, we also find joy in what we’ve been given. A time for renewal, strength and resilience, and triumph over destruction. Phoenix Day.
Until next time,
Cindy
Tales From North Country 